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October 12 Pregnant!My, its been a long time since I blogged. I've been a little preoccupied. I found out that I am pregnant - we're going to have a baby in May! I have been utterly exhausted, though thankfully I have found a way to keep the nausea away most of the time. I'm excited because I slept for nine hours last night! Its the first time I've felt normal in about three weeks. I had forgotten what it felt like not to be exhausted. I went for a walk in the new snow this morning, sorted my candle order, and made lunch. I'm tired now, but just needing a nap tired, not, I have to lie down or I will fall down tired.
Eileen prayed for me last night that I wouldn't worry needlessly, and I needed to hear that. I've been worried about miscarrying, but if its going to happen it will happen - I need to take care of myself and focus on being positive.
I need to get studying - I took the morning off and I'm going out for supper with my cousin, so I have to get busy. August 31 Positive Feedback!I'm so happy! I must be getting the idea of thinking analytically because I have been receiving positive feedback from my advisor on my drafts! Its been a challenge to grasp the concept of not psychoanalyzing, but digging deeper into the issues and making connections with relevant information.
This whole concept of not getting it on the first try is new for me - never have I experienced a learning situation where I haven't picked something up as soon as I'm taught it. I think its because its not data, but retraining my brain to think differently. This sort of thing takes time to sink in a become natural.
I am surprised how disciplined I have been since coming home. I have spent more time than I thought I would with Bruce, have been working full time plus some overtime, and have been getting enough time in on my homework to not feel rushed or stressed. An example of this is how I didn't pick up a good novel that I was reading for two whole days, and I only had about 45 minutes left to read! I knew I had to do my work and get to sleep. Bruce says he is proud of me. I'm just surprised!
I am so dreading the idea of leaving my job to my jobshare partner next Thursday. Not because she's not capable, but because she is new and Thursday is the first day of classes! I don't know if I'll be able to stay home. I'm thankful to have the jobshare opportunity, even if it only lasts for 3 months. I'll have a fairly normal life if I'm able to focus on those two days and get my work done. August 14 Last Week / Bruce GoneWell, Bruce should be just getting home, now. We had 8 full days together, and it was so good that he came. Good for me, anyway. He had a couple of low days in the middle of the week when I was overwhelmed with work and his lack of thyroid meds (forgotten at home) took their tole. We ended well, though, with a lovely dinner and walk by the ocean last night with the couple who lent us one of their cars for the time that Bruce was here. It was such a blessing - thanks Beth and Jim Millard.
This was a really tough week. We had a group project to do, and the whole process was frighteningly difficult to accomplish. The assignment itself wasn't hard, but doing it together was awful. We learned so much about communication and group dynamics and differing expectations. I talked with my advisor about it this evening and realised that the point of the exercise was for us to experience how difficult it is to keep you head and analyze in the midst of chaos. As analysts, we will be drawn into the conflict if we don't keep stepping back and evaluating, asking questions, and staying true to the analysis. We got caught up in the task, and I'm afraid that our actual analysis is crap. If we got the assignment right it will have been by accident. A valuable, hard-won lesson. I hope I remember it when its needed.
We had a visit from Dallas this weekend! I didn't get to spend much time with him because my meetings kept going overtime, but we had a good talk. It was so good to see him and hear about his life and his thoughts. We spent a couple of hours driving out to the Sooke Potholes, which are naturally craved pools in a river ravine, and the scenery is incredible. We enjoyed getting out into nature and taking in the peaceful, gurgling water.
My advisor wants me to keep sending her analytical questions this week, just to make sure that I've got the concept. I've been working on them this evening, and will meet with her on Wednesday. I hope I've got it, since its the main learning that we're supposed to be taking away with us from this residency. I was supposed to be doing this last week, but with the project and Bruce being here I didn't get to them. I really hope this is a lighter week. I don't think I can take another one with the past I had to set last week. I know that we're done on Thursday, basically, and have Friday morning for wrap-up. They expect people to come, asperin bottle in hand, because our wind-up party is Thursday night. I don't fly out until Saturday, so hopefully I'll be disciplined enough to get some work done on Friday after the others are gone.
Well, last bits of reading, then my beauty sleep. Anniversay - blogged on Aug 9, but not postedToday is our anniversary, and it was so nice to have Bruce here. I had classes, but the group that I am working with on a project was kind enough to plan the evening without a meeting so that we could celebrate. We went into town (that's what locals call Victoria) and had a horse-drawn carriage ride around the downtown harbour area, then had dinner on a patio overlooking the harbour. Very nice evening, and nice to be together. I would have been very lonely by now, had Bruce not come.
I had a super afternoon. We had our first opportunity to try to couple a theory with a conflict. It was such an interesting discussion at my table. We clicked right from the beginning, had a stimulating discussion, and all came to some new learning. We didn't get everything right, but that wasn't the goal. We learned new concepts because we struggled through the process on our own, not through reading or a lecture.
The focus of learning, here at Royal Roads, is action-based research. We are expected to learn through doing, rather than an academic approach. It is really working for me, and I know that I will end up with an incredible learning at the end of my 2 years. Assuming I make it. There is soooo much work ahead of me! August 06 Bruce is here!He arrived late last night after having his plane delayed. He took a coach from the Vancouver Airport which brought him all the way over to downtown Victoria. The downtown was a zoo because there was some kind of military tatoo going on, but its small enough that it can handle the traffic. On our way up from the parking lot we saw the two deer and baby fawn that I saw the other day. The little one is so small that we could barely see his ears above the plants that they munching on in front of the castle.
Speaking of the castle, Bruce is excited as me that I'm studying at Xavier's School for the Gifted! We're going to take a tour of the castle and see all the places where the movie was shot. August 05 KayakingI went kayaking this morning! There is a rowing club at the ocean at the bottom of the hill on campus, and 4 of us went out this morning for an hour. We rowed around what's called the lagoon. Its part of the ocean, but there is an isthmus? that has been built to reduce wave action at our beach, since this used to be a navy college. Cars drive across that structure, and there is a bridge where we could have gone out into the main part of the ocean. We rowed amonst the geese, swans and ducks, and even saw some blue herons. One squaked at us for being scared away for his/her resting place. It was a perfect day, and we had a great view of the Olympic Mountain Range. There's still snow on one of the mountains. What a beautiful place I find myself in! Ah-Ha MomentI had an Ah-Ha moment on Wednesday, and then a very significant one yesterday. On Wednesday, when I said it hurt to think, I was trying to understand the concept of analytical thinking. Its so different than the way we are trained to think. Rather than criticizing an argument, or pulling it apart, we are learning to go deeper into the hypothesis, consider the assumptions behind what the person is saying, and consider how the hypothesis might change if the assumptions were different. Very challenging, though it sounds simple.
Yesterday I had a conversation with my advisor and professor for an hour and a half! She is very generous with her time. I started with my usual, "I don't know if I can do it!" litany, and as we talked she became excited about how I had already began applying the learning to my own life. We haven't yet talked about different theories and how to apply them to a conflict, but since I've done a couple of theory courses i asked about how that all fits together. Based on what I've learned so far, I was thinking that the way I'd been taught was not analytical. I described how I had used theories in papers that I've done to try to analyze a conflict, but really all I've done is use the concept to describe what is already known. Analytical questions bring new knowledge which everyone can benefit from. She explained that taking a theory, like Social Identity Theory, provides a framework, or viewpoint, from which to look at the issue. After you've made lists of known facts and use tools to draw out information, you begin to ask your analytical questions. These challenge assumptions, consider alternative assumptions, and go beyond what is obvious to those who are or were in the conflict. You can then take another theory and go through the same process, this time alluminating another part of the conflict and adding more new knowledge for those involved. Once enough new knowledge is found, that is where potential solutions come from.
After this process clicked for me, I tried an example. I tried to use the Social Identity Theory on the Rwandan Genocide, and within one question realized that that theory wasn't helping me understand the conflict because it was about power. I would have to find a theory that talks about power, then ask analytical questions from that framework in order to start understanding the conflict. I may not find new knowledge right away, but I may have a better understanding of what is not apparent at first glance.
We are given a window into a conflict through people's perceptions and assumptions. We can't go back and recreate the conflict in order to understand it.
My advisor explained to me the valuable lesson that I am learning in this difficult process. Learning to think differently is painful because we have to break down and let go of the way we have thought all our lives. What this will do for me is give me some understanding into how hard it is for people in conflict to grasp another way of thinking. I will now, hopefully, not go into a situation and start asking all the hard questions that cause people to feel overwhelmed. I have to find a way to help people think about their conflict in new way without putting them on the defensive.
There are two really key concepts that I have taken to heart this week. One is that there is necessary conflict. Conflict happens when there is change, and change can be good and necessary. When there are injustices, conflict needs to route it out.
The other key concept is that an analyst cannot exist outside the system. Every conflict is in a system, and many systems, and as soon as one person enters the conflict in any way they make an impact on the conflict. Therefore, I cannot simply observe - I am a part. It makes me wonder what I bring to the systems that I am part of. How do I impact my church? How do I impact at work? How do I impact the camp? etc. Inaction or action, I am impacting the conflicts, the system. |
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